Sometimes life feels like everything, everywhere, all at once.
Or what to do when your life feels like a 10-car pile-up
This week, all of the projects I’ve been working on seemed to pile on top of each other, including lots and lots of notes (some of which were very unexpected and hard), plus taxes. I hate the monotony of pulling everything together…so many receipts. It’s something I wish my brain would hyperfocus on, but unfortunately, I don’t have a choice in the matter. Brains do whatever they like.
It’s rare for me to feel a bubbling knot of anxiety in my chest, but everything I was doing this week was overwhelming. I also got a rejection that made me question my work and my future. Those really screw with your head – so I couldn’t sleep. And sleep is the one thing I really need for my brain to function. Having no sleep with ADHD means my brain craves even more dopamine, feels even more overwhelmed, and emotional. So now I have no nails left (chewing my nails is one of my stims) and a growing list of rewrites on my to-do list.
This is the time I should take a pause, take a breath, rest, move my body – so I let myself be sad and overwhelmed for a moment. My husband rubbed my back and let me just feel my feelings without judgment or trying to fix them. And then we went on a date to see Project Hail Mary and go for dinner. It didn’t fix everything, but it allowed us a moment to just be.
There’s a lot of pressure you put on yourself as a freelancer, especially when the industry is in a challenging state. Being a creative is an endless rollercoaster ride, so you need to find joy in the highs and hang on in the lows – and remember that every day, a new good thing could happen.
So – the only way to get through the suck, the overwhelm, is to break things down into little pieces, prioritize, and work through it slowly. If you think about all the pieces all at once, it’s a race to decision paralysis.
So on Tuesday, I finished my taxes after eleven hours of spreadsheets. I felt like I was hit by a truck, did 20 minutes on the exercise bike to re-energize myself, then jumped onto a two-hour note session on my pilot. Not the best timing, but sometimes that’s just how life is.
On Wednesday (when I wrote this), I allowed myself to sleep off my burgeoning migraine before I left for a coffee with a fellow writer, then moderated a Q&A with a writer. This is a very full week, but I’m just focusing on putting one step in front of the other.
It’s been a week of VERY long days – but I’ll get through them.
A Tiny Story of a Paper Bag.
In my swirl of overwhelm this weekend, I was reminded of a memory of a time when I was in sixth grade. My mom came to pick up my sister, Sarah, and me from after-school care. We were walking through an empty hallway of my elementary school. It was built circularly, so all the halls curved into a single, continuous circle. We’d run through them in the morning for track. Half on linoleum, half on carpet, running and running.
I don’t know what started it, but one moment, my mom was fine, and the next, she was having a panic attack. She clenched her hands into fists, then stretched them out, then clenched. Open and closed, open and closed. Her breath came in short huffs. She stopped walking and leaned against the wall. Then she slid down until she was sitting on the floor so she could hang her head between her legs.
Did she tell me that she needed a paper bag to breathe into, or did I just know? This wasn’t the first panic attack, or the last I’d witness. I just remember the silence, and the breathing, and then I was running. My sneaker squeaks echoed in the hall, too loud, too sharp. I went right for the kindergarten room. My words came out in an asthmatic wheeze as I asked the kindergarten teacher for a paper bag. She didn’t ask why. Just handed me a bag, then I was running back. Puffed open the bag. Got it ready. Then my mom was using it to breathe, to slow down her breath so she could find enough calm to get off the floor and take us home.
We didn’t have a lot growing up, but my mom liked to celebrate all the holidays. We each had our own Easter baskets, Christmas stockings, and homemade glow-in-the-dark bags for collecting Halloween candy. But on Valentine’s Day, there wasn’t something we had in our holiday bin. Instead, my mom would take brown paper bags the night before and write our names on them with little hearts. She’d then split a couple of bags of dollar candy between the bags. When we woke up in the morning, we’d have a little something waiting for us on the kitchen table — something that showed that someone loved us.
PROMPT: What is an object that brings very opposite memories for you? Write about those moments, then find a way to merge them into one moment. Like what if when I was a kid, I had to find a bag for my mom, and it was the Valentine’s bag she made for me – her act of love, becoming one I could return when she needed it.
What I Worked on Last Week.
Horror Pilot
I can finally tell the world that I’m part of the 1in4 Writers’ Program sponsored by Netflix! Not only do I attend some great sessions with my fellow writers, but I also have a fantastic mentor who has written on shows like Riverdale and Star Trek: Discovery. That’s who I’m working with on my horror pilot!
After addressing most of my mentor’s notes, I got some great notes from my writers group on the new draft. A few really thought thematically and called out places to elevate the theme – and we also talked through the importance of the placement of certain symbolic elements throughout, which serve as teasers for what is to come. What was super helpful was stress-testing what was missing after removing the first act, where we were really introduced to the main characters. Without that, some readers didn’t connect with my leads. I need to work harder up front to create that connection, so it was great to have that specific feedback.
New Pilot Outline
I’m working on a new sci-fi action horror pilot with my friend, and we have finally broken it. My half of the outline is due early next week, so I have to let go of all the other project problems swimming around in my head and dive into this new one. This is both the most fun and the hardest part, as you need to set up all of the structure, character arcs, and emotional turns in the outline. I like this part, as you can see what is or isn’t working based on your earlier cards and beats. And of course, once you go to script, you’ll find that you don’t always need everything you put in the outline either, but that’s another problem for another day!
New Feature
The producer is currently speaking with my agents about contracting me to write the story overview. The director and I pulled the initial beats together so we’re on the same page, and now I just have to wait for the producer to decide what output they want me to pull together. Though I’d love to get going on this ASAP, this slight delay/ pause means I can focus on my other projects first.
Horror Feature
After lots of really positive notes, I got some that were devastatingly the opposite. Oof. Sometimes that happens. Unfortunately, I need the note givers to be excited about the script before I take it out to producers. There are many, many layers of gatekeepers when you are writing new work, and it’s about selling it every step of the way. So, I will take the feedback, take a little space, and then I’ll see what works for the film I want to make, and what doesn’t. It’s the nature of being a writer, and I’m hopeful that it will only make a better script. But it’s something that I’ll have to wait to rewrite after I finish my new pilot outline and my horror pilot rewrite. I’m hoping to get all of this done in the next few weeks before I'm contracted to write the new feature overview.
Procedural series
I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I have a procedural in development with a production company, and we’ve been strategizing how to take it out to networks. We’re bringing on a very, very experienced EP and applying for some slate funding, so I have a kick-off meeting next week. Excited to see some movement on this project!
Other things
Mentee sessions have been going great. My second mentee wanted some examples of great short films, so I asked people on Instagram and beyond for their favorites.
Today, instead of goals, I talked about artist statements with my other mentee. It’s always challenging, but we talked through how they reflect who you are, how your experience gives you a specific lens for telling stories, what stories you want to tell, and how you want them to impact your audience. I’m going to read over her draft this weekend and share some further thoughts before she has to apply to a few programs in April.
What I love about mentoring is how it also makes me think about my own storytelling and what I want to do – like, what do I want my artist statement to be now, and how can I think more intentionally about what I’m making.
Things I’m Loving.
My friend Mia is great at inviting me to cool events, so I had the chance to see AILEY II at The Joyce. I’ve never been to that theatre, so it was nice to check out a new space. All in all, the dance pieces were really interesting, as I haven’t seen modern/ interpretive dance in a long time! Some moments gave me flashbacks to my time in movement class when I was training as an actor.
I LOVED the last dance called IN SESSION, which was set in a school setting. It was choreographed by Rena Bulter. The dancers wore really unique school uniforms designed by Katie Chihaby, and they danced to a mash-up of Doechii (Hidenseek, Stanka Pooh, Bloom, Denial is a River, Nissan Altima, Nosebleeds, and Boom Bap). It really showcased their talents as a troop and their individual skills as dancers. It was a phenomenal end to the night.
I also LOVED LOVED LOVED Project Hail Mary. As I alluded to above, I was really in a space where I needed something happy to take a break from my stressful spiraling. I never knew an apocalyptic movie could bring joy, but that’s a great thing. It’s been amazing to dig into how they made the film – puppetry, in-camera effects, fully practical sets, music, etc. – and I loved the varied aspect ratios (and the spinning transitions) that moved us between past and present. I definitely want to see it again, just to go back and nerd out on all the details that built the experience.
They also created a live, 4-hour livestream featuring Rocky sleeping. Here is a link to a little clip of what we missed.
And here is Rocky, waking up. Awwwww.
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For those who are interested, here is an article on the science behind the fiction.
That’s another week for me. If you feel inclined to donate to something today, why not give to the New York Hall of Science. NYSCI’s mission is to nurture passionate learners, critical thinkers, and active citizens through an approach we call Design Make Play, where they bring STEM to life.
If you love science as much as I do and want to donate your time or funds to something local, you should! It will make a huge difference to the organization and all the people who take part in the programming. You could be influencing a future scientist who could help save humanity!
As always, stay safe, stay informed, and be kind.